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Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The Teen with Special Abilities Guide to High School Life (3rd Edition)

So, you’re developing a superpower or paranormal ability. If everything seems out of whack, don’t worry. Your body is changing in ways you may not understand, and it’s normal to feel out of control.

As you go through supernatural puberty, you may find that your emotions are affected, too. How you feel about yourself, your friends, and your family may shift. And that’s okay. Remember, you’re not the first boy or girl to deal with a changing body.

As your body ushers you into adulthood, you may be faced with changes in other areas of your life. During supernatural puberty, hormones may run rampant. Girls develop crushes on bad boys. Boys grow facial hair and sometimes fangs.

But you are not alone. We’re here to help you deal with the life changes you’ll soon be experiencing. Read on for the Cliff Notes version of issues you’ll come across in your soon-to-be high school life.

The totally hot but constantly cranky dude who appears to be stalking you
This is the guy who you are going to marry. Instead of returning his sinister glare, smile at the future father of your children. Sure, he may sulk in the corner, refuse to talk to anyone, and show up in your bedroom in the middle of the night, but it’s for your own good. Plus, he’s hot. Like, hotter than any guy you’ve ever met. Expect tingly feelings.

The adorable best friend with a massive crush on you
When you’re dying to spill your secrets, turn to the nice guy you’ve known for your entire life. He’s so hopelessly in love with you, he’d follow you to the underworld and back. There’s a 99.9 percent chance he’ll hate your new stalker boyfriend, but once you rub in his face how completely and irrevocably in love you are with the bad-tempered boy, the Best Friend will stick by your side.

The new kid
You’ll recognize the New Kid by his careful leaning against walls and lockers as well as a crooked smile that melts even the frigid Queen Bee’s heart. In some school systems, smokin’ hot, surly stalkers are frowned upon and, in such cases, the New Kid will be the object of your affection. But be careful: In many schools, the New Kid may appear harmless only to spring his hidden (and usually nefarious) agenda on you at the worst possible moment.

Your favorite teacher
Any teacher who treats you like an adult, shows interest in your life, and offers to help you in any way should be avoided at all costs. He is, most likely, evil. If he is moderately to severely attractive, your life may be in danger.

The creepy teacher
Like the scowling boy you’ll eventually make out with, your most sinister teacher is your ally in disguise. If you believe he’s attempting to thwart your plans, avoid retaliation. Chances are, he is trying to protect you and you’re too stupid to see it right now.

Your parents
You have a special ability? Good, now forget about your parents. That is, until they are A) are abducted, B) in the way, or C) revealed to be evil.

Your homework
Everything you learn in class applies to your life. Think you don’t need calculus? Study up anyway. In a few weeks, you’ll need problem 25 on page 94 to save the world.

Your dreams
These will basically tell you the answer to all of your problems. Might want to invest in a dream journal.

Your loner status
Does your ability set you apart from your peers? Are you different even among other people with superpowers or paranormal abilities? Congratulations, you’re the Chosen One. You’re probably going to save the world someday very soon. Go you.

Your looks
Supernatural puberty can make you self-conscious about your looks. But take heart: Even though you think your glowing silver eyes or suddenly white hair make you hideous or even ho-hum, you’re gorgeous. See also: the super-hot emo loner, your cute best friend, and the new kid, all of whom are in love with you.

Dearest readers, before I make pamphlets of this very important message, tell me about any points I may have missed.

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